Honorable Judges, Worthy Opponents, and fellow Club Members
1. That Short Men make better husbands because:
a. They are more even-tempered than tall men.
b. They are more economically dressed.
c. You have a better chance of happiness with a small man.
d. You will keep your youth and beauty longer.
e. Your own work is more easily and quickly done.
These points I have just given may now sound irrelevant and preposterous just now. However, I shall prove every single word I have said to your satisfaction.
Let us look at the small man stature to be outstanding in the world because of his inherited size. But they have been all the mightier for it. Let us look at Napoleon Bonaparte. Never did there exist a greater general than he. He was defeated you say-- of course he had indigestion. Look at Confucius the greatest mind in Chinese history. We know that he was described as being "as slight as a small woman". Yet his words are as a religion in the world today. It has been written that a man's greatness cannot be judged by his stature. And so I say that I will prove to you on the above points that even as in history the small man triumphs in the matter of fitness as a husband. Surely this fact matters more to us, the women of this generation, more than does his capacity for pulling trees, throwing bulls, or rubbing the paint off the ceiling with his hair.
I shall not prove my points with any stories from my own experience. The fact that I am married to a man who could not be called tall, does not color my faith in the cause for which I argue. Moreover, I feel that to bring personal experience and opinion into this debate would be to give my worthy opponents an unjust advantage. You see, good friends, both my opponents are married--and my worthy colleagues is not. So that to count experience as proof of argument would leave us in the dust. And most unworthily. However, it would not go too easily with our worthy opponents if I were so minded to speak from experience. There is not one woman in our club who has more experience living with a tall man than I. I have lived with a taller man than is any other man in town. So were I to produce as evidence my experience with him, the result would be so shattering as to preclude any necessity for further debate.
But Now To My Argument:
Small men are more economically dressed. This statement almost goes without argument. But just supposing for instance, that you were contemplating a pair of pajamas. We all know that inexpensive ready-made pajamas are made in conservative sizes and that for a very tall man, they will hit him at the ridiculous point, just above the wrists and ankles. And when they are washed and shrunk, you will begin to wish that you had ordered one of those hideous monstrosities--a nightshirt. However a small man may be fitted perfectly--and if they are a little long, you can cut the sleeves and legs off and provide yourself with some lovely quilt blocks, dishrags, or any such little items they may suggest, of course you perceive the argument. Supposing you decide to make your husbands pajamas. The same argument holds good here also, a small man will sleep comfortably in a pair made most lavish from four and one half yards of material but your lengthy better half will require at least five yards or maybe six. Since I said I would not stoop to speak from my own experience I could not do so. But if I should speak I could tell of buying nearly seven yards of cloth for one pair of pajamas--but I will not speak from experience. Contemplate, that I have only mentioned one item of clothing. Everything else may be considered in the like manner. Then there is the matter of shirt tails, Did you ever see the shirttail of a tall man waving in the wind? Of Course you did. Lots of times--he is most always too long between shoulders and waist to allow more than a half an inch to tuck in--therefore it flies out every time to he exerts himself--much to the embarrassment of his wife--or every woman in the vicinity. But a small man always has inches to spare and tucks his shirt tails snugly about his knees so that he does not catch cold--and thereby saves on cough remedy and aspirin. He needs feel no draft about his middle to keep you awake all night by his coughing.
The second point tells us that you have a better chance of happiness with a small man. Just supposing that you were married to a burly six footer and the doors to your house measured exactly five feet and one half inches. Your husband must concentrate each time he entered his house, else he will bump his head which would put him in an ill humor. His brow will become wrinkled and corrugated with thought because of his intense efforts to concentrate. He will no doubt become hunchbacked from going in and out doors too small for him--what will be the result--away will fly romance and love--who could love a cross, wrinkled faced man with a hunched back?
Our third point proves that you will keep your youth and beauty more easily married to a small man- think my good friends of the long legs and arms of your burly big bruiser. Think of the long cold nights when time after time you will waken to find yourself uncovered because he has moved an arm or a leg. You will not get your rest, your beauty sleep that is so vital to your youth and beauty.
My last point proves conclusively that your work will be easier if your mate is small. Your washings will be smaller--A small man cannot dirty as large a piece of clothing. Your darning will be easier, his socks will not have such big holes because the socks are not as large. His appetite is not so large and his smaller feet cannot drag in so much dirt. His trousers are more quickly pressed--his legs are not so long. I have not spoken from experience.
Finally I shall prove to you that WHO of the greatest men in history and in modern times would not make suitable husbands for you nor me--nor any other woman in this town.
In history let us take Abraham Lincoln. He was a great man, I grant you that there is probably not a greater man in history. He was a tall thin man well over six feet--just the type our worthy opponent would have you believe makes the best husband--and yet why would not you or I want Abraham Lincoln for a husband? Because he is dead.
Now let us take a man of modern times. Who better could I choose than Franklin D. Roosevelt, our President. He is a large active man, with a charming personality, and not, I say Not one of you could bring yourself to marry him, charming and tall as he is-- Why? My dear friends-he is already married. Thank You!